A goodbye...

I loved her so much, every day I woke up dreaming about her, every time I think what if she was here what would she say, how'd she react and all that stuff. I didn't really care what everyone else thought about me as long as she was happy. She was everything in this world to me. The days were going fast and good, I could remember her voice from every word she said and imagine the rest from how she would say. I looked up to her through every aspect of my insignificant life. Perhaps she could've grown irritant to my such behaviour. If I really cared, I felt way too possesive, if I let her do what she wished, I wasn't responsible, if I tried to talk to her everyday, I was getting a bit too sticky, if I managed to get along without hearing her voice, I was ignoring her, if I did something unusual, I was getting the wrong attention, if I acted normal, I was really boring, if I gave her gifts, it was show off, if I didn't spend much, I was more attracted towards money. and on goes the list of my billions of unsolved mysteries of our love, I was so focused on presenting myself that I went a bit off the track to show what I really was I missed the chance to tell how I really felt, just in the riff-raff of these tons of emotions.
I never had my first date, all I had was a bitter breakup... Nothing goes wrong right from the beginning, at first it felt like a good healthy relationship, no fears, no tears but then the condemned world began to tear us apart in various means possible. But still, there was this one confirmation, actually a feeling of self assurance that lured me back into her sweet dreams and the stinging pain of desperation. A feeling of belief that whatever may be the circumstances she loves me... atleast for now that's what kept me going on in this season of misery. Suddenly the friends felt farther away, the sounds of parents felt like nagging of some inglorious fool. The motivational lectures seemed to be asking for way too much, everything felt so seperated, so different in an unaccountable way. Only her voice felt like the sweet music of angels, her indications seemed to be the supereme command of the highest god, her presence like the meaning of life... I wasn't obsessed with her, just posessed by her and I asked for nothing more as long as I was with her.
Our first plan was to go out on a movie on a free sunday, with her friend. But was put down due to lack of permissions from her parents, I was told that she went out with her brothers that day. I didn't feel betrayed because she had her own genuine reason for not being with me, I just lurked around in my house all day to get rid of her memories and when I felt no way of getting rid of my misery I decided to sleep, and there she was back again in my dreams haunting me with the pain but atleast I was with her even if in my dreams.
My second hangout with her was perfectly portrayed with her at a disco club with many of both of our friends who would be there, it was also another way round to introduce ourselves to each other's circle. The day was going awesome with the thought of being with her. Later at the night everything was perfect. The only wait was for me to go home and change clothes and come back. As I reached home I found my dad's bike broken. I asked him to go alone but he refused simply I revolted but was put dwon harshly later. I was disgusted and told various people that I was not coming in a not so serious tone simply stating that my dad was willing to go tommorrow instead of today. I later slept off crying with the guilt of being born only to hurt her... She forgave me the next day relating to me that she was sad last night, I just wanted to hug her and cry for being such a fool to hurt her, but never could tell her how much sorry I felt. Just said 'm sorry' which I knew was insufficient I perhaps know now that the time she forgave me was also the moment she gave up on me, I regret it still but just can't tell her anything about how I feel because I never did get a chance...
The next day she went out of town with her family and I got overwhelmed by the thought of not talking her and in the mist of my foolishness to try on something new, I drank beer for the first time with my friend though it was not a very sophisticated kind of experience as drunk people usually conquer to but still it was worth being scolded at. But she never scolded me just got more farther away from me than before and in a fog of unknowingness I smoked a couple of cigarettes for the next two days, later I learned from her friend that it was not very good what I'd done and I should be disgusted at what I'd done or atleast she was...
After that it was only on the phone I talked to her on the day she was going out on a trip, I can still recall her voice in my ears, through the thousand disturbances caused in a moving train, I could still make out her voice saying 'Atul... listen carefully... I know this may hurt you a bit... but... I seriously want to breakup with you... I hope you can understand the reasons...' I possibly knew every possible cause due to which she could have thought of this but couldn't make out the exact reason 'speak something... Atul... say something... are you there...' her voice commanded me to speak again but I was nearly hyperventilating, just taking deep breaths to keep me from falling, my mind was becoming heavier each moment my heart pained even more now, I was perhaps overreacting or showing off till now but as the tears rolled down my cheeks, I became aware that I was not faking it, I was trying very hard to stop nearly dying to forget what I'd just heard, but I couldn't I just couldn't all I could manage was to give a 'hmm...' to her request. We both remained silent for a long pause, the sound of train was now growing up in my head, mearly causing a migrane, the silence was giving me in to nausea but all I could manage to do was cry and sit still, shortly after, the line was cut off from her side and I kept sitting there, moaning silently over my loss...
Everything felt so useless, so imaginary, my heart felt so swollen up all the time since I knew I was not going to see her for a while now and that while seemed to expand to a lifetime. I woke up everyday in tears, slept in tears and the rest was I couldn't even care to notice. Everyday, I looked at the thermocol cutter in front of me wishing that it's sharp blade would just come out instinctively and slice through my wrists but I couldn't gather up enough courage to do it myself when the thought of my parents and the many other people who cared for me, hoped me to never let them down came to my mind.
I saw her after nearly a week in front of me... and a load of emotions rushed to my eyes to flow out but I looked down upon the ground in time to let the stupid salty drops kiss the ground without any of that crying stuff. I just wanted to hug her, hold her close to my chest, just wished that I could remain in her arms forever, just wished to die in her lap if that was my last wish but I knew that it would not come true... The teacher is teaching me in the class but I am at a sole corner of the classroom, staring at the sharp blade just wishing to die. I can't bear the pain of being away from her anymore nor I am strong enough to bear the punishment of my crime everytime I see her, but I can't die right now if that would mean hurting her again.
It wasn't on the climate charts today to rain, but here I was dripping with pain moaning in the rain so that my tears were hidden. Soaked with the guilt and her love, I slowly walked over the pools of my mistakes splashing the painful memories of good times every time I stepped on them. I could see her coming towards me in the rain, my foggy eyes and the blurred vision didn't acknowledge her presence but I knew that it was her who was holding me so tightly something I had wished for so long... I slowly fell down on the ground still in her arms and my senses slowed down to nearly negligible. She was looking at my face with horrified eyes which I couldn't see but feel. As I lay motionless in her lap, I slowly lifted my hands to her face and heard my own broken voice "god... why do I love you so much?" the flaps of my shirt sticking to my arms gave away at the moment and I could feel the cold rainrops mixing with the warm blood oozing out of my wrists. I could hear her screams and all her moans as I lay there in her lap I could feel water pouring onto my face and I knew it was her tears not the rain which was bidding me the goodbyes. I slowly pulled her face close to mine and I could hear her desperate sobs and pleadings just then I could smell her sweet breath entering my mouth to take off my life with ease I would perhaps be one of the few lucky persons on the Earth to die smiling and happily... Everything faded away, I could feel my heart slowly beating for her... her, she was the only thing I was remembering right now and I was happy that the last thing I may remember is so incredibly marvellous...

WRITTEN BY: Atul Shrotriya.